Monday, September 26, 2011

Singles Warehouse XXX

I was invited to blog occasionally for I'll be posting a couple times a month, so you should add the blog to your regular reading list, if you are into that kind of thing.

My lastest post is an entertaining story about my buddy, the poon hound.


Monday, September 5, 2011

Done with polyamory, until the next time.

It has been a drawn out affair with Butterfly. Beginning with the torrid first dates, then the uncertainty, then the heartbreak. Despite our uncertain future, Butterfly wanted to continue to 'date', so 'date' we did.

We went out for lunches and dinners. We took a salsa dancing class together and later went to a cuban friend's "Salsa and Sangria" party and got drunk. We txt'd and im'd and called. Every hour I spent with Butterfly, the more I liked her, the more time I wanted to spend with her, the more I wanted to have her naked in my bed. It was intoxicating and maddening.

Finally, one night Butterfly invited me to join her and a friend for drinks and live blues at a local bar. Her 'friend' was a girl she had met on okcupid. (on their first date, Butterfly brought her to a party at my house, where they spent two hours fucking in my bed)  Despite the fact that Butterfly was on a date with another girl, yet inviting me to come along, I agreed. By this point, our 'dating' had become mostly platonic: a quick lunch or coffee when she was downtown, going to a party with a group of friends, nothing romantic. I actually preferred being 'just friends' to the romantic limbo we were in previously. Joining Butterfly and her girl for drinks was just to get me out of the house, and I appreciated the invitation.

Butterfly looked fantastic, of course. She loved wearing slinky sundresses, and i'm sure everyone loved her wearing them. Both girls were drinking and flirty. We had a pleasant time chatting and people watching. At one point we were all admiring a beautiful woman wearing a bright red dress with absolutely enormous breasts. Wanting to see how she would respond, I whispered to Butterfly "I'll give you ten bucks if you go pick up on Boobs over there." I should have known better than to give her a challenge, more so to put money on it. She replied "How about if I make out with her? You pick up the tab tonight?" After a quick calculation, I figured the chance to see Butterfly on the prowl was totally worth it. "You are on" I said with a smile and a handshake. Within a minute, Butterfly was with Boobs at the bar, laughing together, touching flirtingly...way too easy for her. After talking for a few minutes, Butterfly returned with a fresh drink. "Thanks for buying our drinks tonight!" she said with a naughty smile and kissed my cheek. "Hold on, there was no kissing" I replied. "Oh honey, just wait..." she giggled.

I don't think Butterfly realized how attractive her confidence and open sexuality were to me. I just sat there with a smile, but there was an ache inside.

Soon, Butterfly and her girl were on the floor dancing together, touching, kissing...unaware, I think, of the show they were putting on. Butterfly noticed me watching and waved at me to join them. Not needing much encouragement, I quickly finished my drink and made my way over. A couple songs later, Butterfly noticed that Boobs had found her way to the dance floor near us and immediately approached. It was a sight to see, her confidence, walking up to an obviously straight woman and without a word starting to dance with her close and sensually. If she had any reservations, Boobs didn't show it as Butterfly pulled her close and kissed her slowly. It wasn't a long kiss, but by the way Boobs raised her hand to Butterfly's cheek, I could tell it was a good one. The song ended and Butterfly left Boobs to walk back to us, obviously very pleased with herself. "I think I need another drink, what can I get you two?" she teased.

The final straw for me, however, was when Butterfly pulled me onto the floor for a slow dance. She held me close, nuzzled my neck, danced like we were lovers. It was just what I wanted. It was too much for me to bear. After the song was done, I lied and said I was tired and needed to leave. Paid our tabs, and left with a quick goodbye.

I just can't do this to myself anymore. At best, all I will end up with is disappointment, the worst, heartbreak. There is really nothing I can do. I don't want to hope that she gets a divorce. Even if she did divorce, I don't want to be a reason. The next day I ended things with Butterfly. She was sweet and understanding, she cried a little. I miss her. C'est la vie, right?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Dirty Story #2, continued

Continued from Dirty Story 2

"We want to watch you touch yourself" said Berry with a smile, her wide eyes focused on my crotch.

Though I was a bit surprised, I was certainly game for upping the ante. "Right here?" I asked. Berry nodded and lay back against Dirty again so she could continue the fondling while they watched me.

I slowly resumed my tease, one hand roaming my body while the other became the focus of attention. First outside my shorts, then inside. The music was a slow deep beat. My body rocked and swayed on it's own. My eyes closed while I focused on what I was doing to myself: How it felt to stand, nearly naked, caressing my skin, stroking my cock. I wondered what I must look like, lost in a moment with myself when I was supposed to be putting on a show.

I slowly opened my eyes and returned to the scene in front of me. Dirty and Berry were holding each other tightly, transfixed. I could see Dirty's hand tucked in Berry's panties, fingers sliding in and out, making the lace wet.

"Come closer" Berry beckoned with a slow come hither gesture.

Our eyes locked, I took a step closer so I was in reach. Without a word and our eyes still focused on each other, she slipped my undies down my thighs to fall to the ground, then pushed me back so she could let her eyes wander down my body.

While I stood completely naked and erect for them to admire, Berry turned and whispered something more in Dirty's ear. Dirty smiled, nodded, and whispered something back. Both ladies looked back at my crotch. "We want to ride that"

Without waiting for an answer, Berry stood up and pushed me down into a large beanbag in the middle of the room. She straddled me, still standing, so I could admire her body. It was quite amazing. Though Berry is a few years older than me and has had a couple kids, it barely showed...slender muscled thighs, flat but soft stomach, C cup natural breasts with large dark nipples, and a muscled ass that just asked to be grabbed. I did nothing but watch, however, as she did a little sexy swaying dance, like a stripper on stage, as she slowly pulled down her soaking panties and kicked them away. Continuing the tease, Berry leaned over to put her hand on my shoulder and her tits in front of my face. With her free hand, she teased a nipple, then let her hand wander down her stomach to find her pussy. I watched two fingers disappear, then watched her pull them out and bring them to my lips, sliding them inside the way she had just done to her pussy. The taste of her juices was amazingly intoxicating, as was the knowledge of how wet my dancing had made her.

With complete confidence and without breaking eye contact, Berry knelt down, rolled on a miraculously appearing condom, and slid me inside her. Rocking her hips slightly, her head fell back and a low moan escaped her lips. Looking back at me with a pleased smile, Berry stated “mmmm, that's what I wanted!” Her rocking sped up and her breathing increased. With one hand clawing my chest and the other pinching her nipple, Berry came hard and fast, shallow moans escaping with each wave of pleasure. As the orgasm subsided, Berry slowed her rocking and leaned down to kiss me deep and wet. She whispered “that was fantastic, thank you very much!” then rose to look at Dirty and tell her “your turn honey!”

The rest of the evening, what I can remember through the drug haze, was spent by the three of us mixing, matching, performing every sex act we could imagine between three people. It was an intense and unforgettable experience. The threesome, all equally attracted to each other, having no concerns but how to maximize the giving and taking of physical pleasure. I could not have hoped or planned for such a night. Maybe it was the fact that it wasn't planned, but just happened in the moment that made it so amazing. Again please!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dirty Story #2

You guys apparently like it dirty, and i'm happy to accommodate.

It had been almost a month since Dirty ended things with me. It was a no-nonsense affair. She told me she was ready for a serious boyfriend, and she knew that wasn't what I wanted, so she was done. I couldn't argue. She was right: I didn't want to be her boyfriend, so I wished her good luck. We hadn't sent 2 texts since.

I spent the early evening at a friend's house party. I wasn't getting anything but boring chit-chat, so I left around midnight, figuring I might as well get a good night's sleep. I was literally just getting into bed when I got a txt from Dirty.

Dirty: Whatcha up to tonight?
Me: Just got home, going to bed
Dirty: My girl and I are in town, we want to party. You have rolls?
Me: Yes I do. Come on over :)

I knew who "my girl" was. Dirty met her at a party a few months before...and fucked her. She was that kind of friend. I also knew that if Dirty wanted to roll, she wanted to fuck. This was gonna be an adventure. It didn't matter that this party was just starting and it was 1am. I was down.

Dirty and Berry showed up 30 mins later. Dirty was hammered and could barely stand up, but she was flirty and was ready to keep the party going. Berry was wearing a tiny halter-top mini-dress, barely covering great boobs and riding up so I could almost see her black lace undies. She was friendly, but obviously a bit nervous. Luckily that didn't last.

We took our rolls, smoked a bowl, and made ourselves comfortable to wait for the come-up. The chit-chat turned to how Dirty and Berry had met. They both had twinkles in their eyes as they described the initial sparks and then sneaking away to have some naked fun with each other. It was quite a sexy story and i'm pretty sure it turned them on to tell it. It certainly turned me on to hear it. These two girls obviously had some serious sexual chemistry. If I played my cards right, I was going to be one lucky man.

One of the girls suggested we get in the hot tub, and who was I to argue. The hot tub is always a good idea, especially when the girls don't happen to have swim suits. I was the first in, naked and unashamed, so I got a good look at the girls as they followed. Dirty was as sexy as ever though a bit tanner than I remembered. Berry was quite a sight as well. She was shorter but had larger (real) breasts and more of an ass than Dirty. I love some curves, but it was her smile that got me. A sexy smirk more than a smile: there was more going on in her head than she was letting on, and I liked it.

I decided before the girls arrived that I was not going to make any moves or be forward at all. I was going to go with the flow and let the girls call the shots. So, even though I was with two fantastically naked women in my hot tub, I kept my distance and continued to converse like were sitting on the couch. Dirty, on the other hand was cuddling up behind Berry, one hand fondling her breasts and the other between her thighs. I became just a voyeur as the girls focused on each other, kissing, touching, caressing...the E was starting to work it's magic. Berry soon had Dirty sitting on the side of the hot tub and had buried her face between Dirty's thighs. Dirty's head was thrown back and one leg lifted up over Berry's shoulder as Berry's tongue did it's work. It only took a minute before Dirty was stifling the moans of her orgasm, body quivering as she ground her hips into Berry's mouth. I knew Dirty's orgasm sounds well enough to know that it had been an amazing one. Once she had recovered, Dirty lifted Berry up out of the water to pull her mouth to hers, both to show her gratitude, and to taste her pussy on Berry's lips...I wondered if Berry realized that was what Dirty was doing. I knew because I asked once why she always kissed me after I made her come that way.

We were all really coming up by now and Berry wanted to dance, so we quickly dried off and headed inside. The girls just pulled on panties and bras, while I covered up, again not wanting to be too forward. By the time I had joined the girls in the living room, they had some house music bumping and were dancing and grinding on each other; hands all over each other's bodies. Berry was obviously getting comfortable with me, because as soon as I joined them, she pulled me in between the two of them so they could dance up on me. I turned to face Dirty and she pulled me in to kiss her. It was a sensual, passionate kiss. Dirty was obviously feeling sexy fantastic, and I was loving it.

After the kiss, Dirty whispered into my ear "you should get dressed up and dance for us" and gave me a naughty smile. I knew what she wanted. For the first 'rave' party I had at my house, I sewed myself a sexy little costume. It was a lime green spandex belly shirt with a pink fleece star on the chest. The bottoms were tiny hot pants, made out of the same green spandex with a pink fleece codpiece. Not masculine in the least, and though I won't wear it sober, I love to wear it when i'm rolling and give sexy strip teases for the ladies. Believe me, I really know how to shake it, and it drives the girls wild. If Dirty was asking, I was happy to put on a show.

While I disappeared to the bedroom, Dirty and Berry turned on the black lights, picked out a perfect song, and cuddled up on the couch to await my reveal. It's difficult for me to describe what I looked like, as I have never given a strip tease in front of a mirror, but the girls were transfixed. First, Berry gasped loudly when she saw my outfit, brightly glowing lime green and pink, then she giggled and let out a cheer. Dirty snuggled up to Berry, hands roaming, and started cat-calling "shake it!" "show us that ass!".
I was completely into it, feeling the music and the E, encouraged by the girls, I felt like pure sex. My hands sliding over my chest, stomach, down to my croch, eliciting squeals of delight from the audience. I knew why Dirty wanted me to dance. She knew it brought the unrestrained sexual being out in me, and she loved to watch it.

After the song was over, Berry called me to come closer so she could touch the pink fleece codpiece, which was now only barely concealing how hard I was. Feeling it, Berry smiled with that sexy smirk and leaned over to whisper something to Dirty. Dirty's eyes flashed and she smiled, nodding her approval. Berry looked back at me and stated "we want to watch you touch yourself"... be continued

Monday, August 15, 2011

Audience Participation Time

If you follow my twitterz, you might know already that DirtyGirl ended things a couple months ago. It was reason #2. However, I have a hundred stories of adventures with that girl that I may get around to recounting. The first story I told was fairly graphic, and though it was fun to recount, i'm not certain writing blue is my forte nor what the dozen or so readers want to read. I'm leaving the content of Dirty Story #2 up to you. To help you decide, here's the txt conversation that kicked things off:

Dirty: Whatcha up to tonight?
Me: Just got home, going to bed
Dirty: My girl and I are in town, we want to party. You have rolls?
Me: Yes I do. Come on over :)

So, graphic and sexy? or not.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Promiscuous to save the Nation

I found two interesting studies. The first ranked the promiscuity of western industrialized nations. The UK, Germany and the Netherlands held the top spots with the US at 6th.
The second study compared the rates of many proclaimed harmful outcomes of promiscuity (Teen Pregnancy, Teen Birth Rate, Teen Abortion Rate, and HIV Infection Rate) of Germany, France and the Netherlands, to the United States.
It found that in Germany, the second most promiscuous country, to have HALF the abortion rate, a THIRD the HIV infection rate, a THIRD the pregnancy rate, and an EIGHTH the birth rate of the US, a significantly less promiscuous country.
Clearly, there is a negative correlation between promiscuity levels and harmful outcomes. In fact, the second study calculated that the US would save $400 MILLION dollars a year in public money if it were able to lower it’s rates to those of Germany.
Let me restate that. If US sexual behavior matched that of Germany (ie. was MORE promiscuous) Americans would save half a BILLION dollars in public money.
I figure I have a lot of work to do if I want to make a real difference in this country.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Unexpected Heartbreak

It's perfectly cliche. We spent only a matter of hours together yet they were not to be forgotten any time soon.

Butterfly had me hooked inside five minutes. We were writing each other "wish you were here" messages the next morning. I was thinking about her every other moment. I told you...cliche. But it didn't matter.

Our second date was to be lunch in the city. Instead I suggested we pick up fancy cheese and fruit and head up the canyon in her borrowed jeep. It was one of those photograph moments: her hair blowing, sundress riding up her legs while she worked the clutch, as we drove in the warm sunshine. At the top we found a semi-secluded spot for a blanket and I rolled a j with some strawberry cigar papers Butterfly found somewhere. We talked, she caressed my leg as I spread gouda on crackers.
She sat on my lap and we kissed like lovers. She undid the top of her dress and put my mouth to her breasts. My hands were on her naked ass and I touched her like a lover does. I wanted to be her lover more than anything at that moment. The feeling was obviously mutual, but we knew it couldn't happen, not yet. The moment passed, we straightened our clothes and lay together in the sunshine.

That night, with butterfly's prompting, I wrote her husband an email to explain my situation, my feelings, and my intentions. It was very honest, insightful and considerate. I had high hopes that it would be well received, but was left with a nervous uneasiness, especially when he did not respond. First one day, then two. Finally the third day he replied.

It was a near complete rejection of everything I wanted. He was jealous, depressed, uncomplimentary, not at all what I expected or hoped. He was not comfortable with me dating butterfly, in fact, he wasn't comfortable with butterfly dating at all. The most he would accept was becoming platonic friends. I was crushed. Butterfly was crushed. She apologized over and over, saying she would talk to him. It didn't matter. Without his approval or at least acceptance, things would not work between us.

Before the reply, I accepted butterfly's invitation that night to shoot pool and drink some beers with her and her hubby. I was sorely tempted to cancel outright but reconsidered. I didn't want him to think I was shallow and selfish. The bar wasn't full and the pool shooting was uneventful, besides butterfly's flirting and touching driving me crazy. I wasn't sure I should return the favor in front of her man, hours after naming me persona non grata. It got worse when she talked us into watching a movie, where she rubbed my leg with her foot the entire time and put her hand under the armrest to grab my ass. After the movie, butterfly invited me back to her house to get high and hang out, but I just couldn't accept. Being high and horny and potentially alone with her would not end well. Instead, I went home to get high and have my own pity party, complete with crying through the end of a sappy movie.

I'm now in a weird limbo with butterfly; in between lovers and friends, without roadmap to get anywhere. I really have no experience to rely upon here. With regular (non-poly) dating, I always know the right play, as I've been there before and know what to expect. With this new dynamic, i'm in uncharted waters and feel like i'm blundering forward, sure to make a mess of things. The only thing I can rely on is my own feelings...and those are changing and developing day by day.

Right now, I'm not sure this endeavor is worth the effort. Even at my most optimistic, I'd give 20% odds of having a fulfilling relationship with butterfly. I certainly appreciate the time we have spent together. It has been something I never expected and will never forget.

I think i'm ready to date a hot dumb girl for a little bit.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Life gets crazy

I find myself in an interesting situation. I've started seeing a fantastic girl, i'll call her butterfly. She's smart, gorgeous, sexy, witty, totally into me...and she's married.
I knew before we met that she was in an open relationship. She had explained it in her okCupid profile, so I entered this eyes-open. My problem now is I really like this girl. We could have a great time together, only if her husband gives her the ok...

I have no problems with open relationships at all. In fact, i've always thought i'd eventually meet a fantastic woman i'd settle down with and we'd have some form of open relationship to keep things interesting. I just didn't think i'd ever be on the outside, trying to get in. I also would have never guessed how much I could like this girl.

It was amazing chemistry from the second she walked into the bar when my first though was "oh. my. god. she is fucking gorgeous!". 5'11" with unbelievable legs, wearing a slinky sundress, stilettos and a flower in her hair; she was stunning, and just my type. The conversation was easy and engaging. We drank and flirted shamelessly. I'm sure everyone in the bar could see the sparks. I suggested a dance club nearby as I wanted an excuse have her body against mine. She clearly wanted it as well and practically dragged me out of the bar. At the club, we danced pressed together, slow and sexy. Talking and flirting and touching, it was amazingly sensual. The club closed and as we walked, it was obvious both of us wanted to get the other naked and do amazing things together. It would have been amazing. Would have been, because butterfly's arrangement with her husband requires prior approval before either of them sleeps with someone new. We respected her rules, but putting her in the car with just a kiss was an amazing test of will power (for both of us).

So, now i'm in this weird limbo. I want so badly to just dive in with this girl and enjoy the ride, but I can't. I have to take things slowly, get to know this guy and try to convince him i'm worthy of his wife's admiration (and her sex). It's an interesting situation, having to court two people to date one of them. I'm used to having only to worry about my feelings and hers. I'm pretty good at that actually. I am totally at a loss when it comes to persuading another guy to let me sleep with his wife. I'm fully aware of how absurd that statement is.

Honestly, if it were any other girl, it would not be worth the hassle. She might be worth it. It's freaking me out.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The downside to casual relationships

I should start off by stating that I realize I have a pretty fucking amazing life.
Besides the fact that just being american puts me near the top of the pile, standard of living-wise, I have very, very little to bitch about. I have a great job that pays frankly an absurd amount of money for the work I do. I have great family and friends. I'm tall, handsome, and fit enough to attract plenty of ladies. I really do have it made. So don't think for a minute that i'm complaining, cause i'm not. This is mostly just an observation.

I date a lot of women, and have sex with most of them (and even a few I don't date) but for the last couple years, every single one of those relationships has been "casual". The closest I have been to a serious relationship is introducing Dirty to my parents, and that was only because we were vacationing in the same hotel.

However, I am always open and honest with every woman about what i'm interested in. They all know from the beginning that I am not gonna settle down and be anyone's boyfriend. Hell, I never even hint I am interested in being exclusive. I'm interested in easy, fun, drama-free flings. Obviously, plenty of women aren't interested in such a 'relationship', but I haven't had much trouble finding plenty of women who are...or who are for a while...

Every good thing comes to an end, and for me, they end one of three ways:

1) dumped for the new boyfriend
This is the easiest for me. I completely understand that i'm often her stand-by, to be dropped once something better comes along. I am perfectly ok with this. The beauty of a no-commitement fling is the no-commitment. Luckily, it usually ends with well-wishes for her new relationship and thanks for the great times.

2) dumped for the prospect of a boyfriend
Though this is understandable in theory, in practice, it doesn't make sense to me. I understand wanting a boyfriend, and I understand needing to be available to find one. But, hooking up with me on a semi-regular basis is not going to prevent you from meeting your next boyfriend...Unless you tell every guy you go out with you are hooking up with another guy on a semi-regular basis.

3) dumped because she wants more, or having to do the dumping.
Honestly, this one sucks. Unrequited feelings can be really hard to get over. I know this from experience and try to prevent this situation be being honest and open. It does not work. Some women hear me say, "I don't want to get serious, this is just a fling" but still think they will win me over. If they stick around long enough, or if they totally play it cool, or if they do this or that, i'll change my mind and settle down with them. When it doesn't happen, they get hurt. Sometimes they go quietly. Sometimes not so quietly. Either way, she feels hurt.

In the end, though, it doesn't matter how they leave. They all do, and I miss every one when they are gone.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Dirty Story #1, continued

Feel free to catch up on the first half of the story and all about DirtyGirl.

We continue the story where we left off, midway through one of the longest, craziest, most unexpected nights I had with Dirty. What started off as a weeknight drink at a bar turned into a night of crazy sex with strangers, hot tubs and bear-skin rugs.

Speaking of bear skin rugs, that's where I discovered dirty. Naked, laying across the ShyGuy, also naked, in front of a romantically crackling fire. It was quite a sight, believe me. I considered leaving them alone and even started walking down the hall, but reconsidered and returned to stick my head around the corner. "Dirty, are you awake?" I whispered. She turned her head to smile at me and gestured to me to come in. I walked past her and sank into the giant beanbag where I could watch Dirty and could feel the warmth of the fire.

Dirty lifted herself off ShyGuy and crawled over to lay next to me. "We didn't have sex" she whispered in my ear, "he just wanted to lay there, but I am so fucking horny..." Dirty slid her hand under my jockeys and stroked me as ShyGuy got up, pulling on his shorts to sit near us on the couch. When Dirty pulled down my jockeys to start giving me proper attention, ShyGuy started to get up and asked if he should go.
I assured him he could stay and Dirty reached over to touch and rub him while attending to me with her other hand. Shortly, Dirty was on top of me and ShyGuy was temporarily forgotten. Once she was done having her way with me, she rolled off to lay in between ShyGuy and me.

He had been watching us, stroking himself, so Dirty took over, going down on him with enthusiasm. Ready to go again, she rolled on a condom and whispered loudly, "i'm gonna fuck you". A fact he certainly knew.
She climbed on top of ShyGuy and looked over to give me a naughty look as he slid inside her. She rode him while I watched, coming at least two times before giving up on him and collapsing on the beanbag next to me. We all slept where we were for an hour or so until light started shining in the windows.

The ShyGuy dressed and made us coffee as we rounded up strewn clothing and wandered around the house to see it in the light. There was small talk over coffee and ShyGuy offered to get us onto the ski slope for free, but we were exhausted and bid farewell. Though we all talked like we'd see each other again, we never did.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Unrequested, yet somehow necessary sex advice...part 2

Women, you need to take responsibility for your orgasms.

For the most part, guys don't really know what the fuck they are doing when it comes to pleasing a woman. You can't really blame them.
Society places higher value in teaching men how to build shitty birdhouses and shoot free-throws than how to make a woman come. To make things worse (at least in the US) there's a taboo about talking about sex in general, forget about talking about the gritty details. Despite this lack of instruction, men are expected to be a proficient lover and become the target of scorn if they aren't. As a result, most men fumble along, learning a trick or two, but mostly only getting good enough that women are willing to open up the gates every now and again.

There isn't much women can do to remedy this situation, at least with the generation of men they are fucking.
I figure you have two options if you want O's on the regular:
A) Teach your guy how to fuck you properly.
B) Take charge during sex and make sure you get yourself off.

Although both of these options seem easy enough to accomplish, you can't forget there is another ego involved here....his. Because of lack of training, societal expectations, or whatever else, most men have a very fragile ego when it comes to sex. See how it goes next time you are in bed with your guy, you blatantly inform him that you want to take charge because he's not doing it right. You'll be able to watch his wood disappear.
Right or wrong, you have to deal with it and take it easy with him.

First, I don't think you should ever bring up this topic *during* sex. Too much pressure and room for misunderstanding. Turn a casual conversation about sex into "what have you always wanted me to do in bed?" You can always propose sex practice, like I suggested to men. What guy is gonna turn down that proposition?
The non-verbal feedback suggestion works as well for women as it does for men. Just keep the conversation framed as "tell me what you like and what turns you on" not "I want better sex". Otherwise, it'll be hard to keep him from thinking "she doesn't think i'm good enough in bed". Do a good job with this conversation and you'll get to 'practice' immediately.

After talking in broad strokes about what you like and what you want him to do, you need to give feedback. Of course, the best time for most feedback is in the moment. Again, using a predetermined non-verbal queue for when you like what he's doing makes this easy. Sometimes, you just need to tell him what to do: "in a bit more, now curl your finger. Feel that, right there? g-spot!" If you keep it positive and complimentary, he'll enjoy the feedback instead of feeling criticized.

Last tip: After sex is done, (minutes or hours later) stroke his ego. As long as it's sincere and not to effusive, it'll work to give him confidence and reassure him that your tips are not a critique.

Ladies, there is no reason why you can't have great sex on the regular, especially if you have a willing guy. Don't be another one of the women I hear about who never has orgasms. Take charge and help yourself out.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Dirty Story #1

DirtyGirl and I ended up at bar one night this winter. It was a bit of a drive from her place but was in a resort and had fantastic character: good crowd, great bar staff, quality drinks, and a patio with a fire.
It was quickly obvious that Dirty was a regular. For the first hour, Dirty introduced me to guy after guy she knew. Each one would give her a gropey hug, kiss her cheek, grab her ass, some all three, while obviously ignoring my presence until Dirty introduced me.  Most were douchey, a couple were gay, but as each one shook my hand I thought "enjoy that ass grab...she'll be fucking me tonight while you are jerking off thinking about it".

Side bar:
Why do girls dig douchebags? No motivation, no money, no fashion sense. All they have are muscles, insecurities, shitty attitudes, and the ability to drink a shit-ton of booze. I don't understand. Maybe one of you girls can explain.

Back to the story:
Post d-bag parade, I bumped into RichieRich, a charming and a bit chubby guy I met with TheRebound.  He was *very* well off, (hence the name) was a big partier, and had an amazingly hot russian fuck buddy (oh my god, her ass...)
I introduced Dirty and Richie gave me a huge smile and a pat on the back "Well done dude, she is smoking hot!" plenty loud enough that Dirty could hear. His game was on!
After explaining how I knew him (Dirty was intrigued), Richie proceeded to re-tell the story of the night we met: swinger website 10pm, drinking 11:30, hotel suite 2am, hot tub 2:30, fucking 3-5am, (oh my god, her ass...)
Richie pulled out a picture of his russian girl...Dirty fucking knew her! They had met at a halloween party a couple months previous. "God, she has the best body!" Dirty practically screamed, "I kept grabbing her ass!" (I told you about the ass...)
Richie ordered drinks and continued to charm Dirty. Before he had ordered the second round, Dirty was hooked, line and sinker. Richie nonchalantly mentioned a hot tub and Dirty's face lit up "Take us, lets go!" A few minutes later we were following Richie's $250k merc into the neighborhood of vacation homes behind the resort.  We got out in front of one of the larger houses and Richie whispered "The hot tub is in the back, but it looks like my buddy is asleep. Try not to wake him up."

Richie opened a side door and let us into a barely lit entryway, the rest of the house completely dark. "Wait a sec, let me go see if my buddy is even here" he whispered and headed down a flight of stairs. Just as Richie disappeared, the sound of a door opening behind us caused Dirty and I both to turn. Walking out of a bedroom down the hall was a short, curvy brunette with absolutely enormous breasts, wearing nothing but a man's dress shirt. Halfway down the hall she noticed us and stopped, surprised "oh! sorry!" she covered a smile with the floppy cuffs of the shirt, "I'm headed to the bathroom!" and darted in another door, closing it behind her.
Not knowing what else to do, Dirty hugged my arm and we quickly headed down the stairs into the dark after Richie, whispering his name as loud as we dared. Richie appeared out of the dark and we explained that we had just been surprised by a half-naked woman in the entry way. "Short with huuuge boobs?" Richie asked, and after our confirmation stated "oh good, i'm glad she's here!" with a big smile, "The hot tub is this way." and led us to the back of the house where he turned on some outdoor lights, illuminating the hot tub.

"You guys get your clothes off," Richie said as he handed us two towels, "I'll go find more of these."
Dirty looked at me with a quizzical smile, shrugged, and started to disrobe. We were naked except for towels when Richie returned (well, I had shoes on still. There was snow on the path to the hot tub!) He was followed by the busty brunette who introduced herself as a friend of Richie's. (The way she said "friend" suggested they were much more) Since she was already practically naked, Busty led Dirty and I out to the hot tub while Richie undressed.

Busty explained that she was here with the guy who watched the house, but he was passed out downstairs. She had been trying all night to get him to fuck her, but he was too shy or nervous and had drunk himself into a stupor before she succeeded...she was horny! "Richie says you guys are swinger friends of his?" Busty asked easily. Dirty laughed and a bit uncomfortably said, pointing at me, "He is...was...whatever..." dropped her towel and hopped into the enormous glowing hot tub.

The girls weren't shy and immediately started talking about the guy passed out in the basement, discussing why he didn't want to fuck Busty, and what she should try next time to seduce him. The discussion quickly turned to Busty and Dirty complimenting each other's bodies, which attributes they wish they had, how much they like each other's boobs, etc. and in a flash they were feeling each other up, grabbing asses and doing dances for each other. Richie and I, of course, were content to listen and watch, passing knowing smiles back and forth. Soon enough, we were invited to feel boobs and asses as well as asked for commentary. Richie just went for it and soon had his mouth roaming between the four nipples, the girls loving it.

After a few minutes, Busty hopped out of the tub and ran to the house to break off one of the enourmous icicles that was hanging off the eaves. She ran back with a squeal and exclaimed "look what I found!" as she splashed back into the tub. "Doesn't this look like a big cock?" Busty said as she broke off the point and rounded the edges in the hot water. "You want to try it first?" Busty asked Dirty, who said nothing but smiled as she accepted the diy dildo. The ice disappeared under the bubbles for a second and then Dirty's expression changed to one of shock mixed with pleasure. "oh my god, this is weird...good but weird. Here, you try!" Dirty passed the melting ice back to Busty. Soon we were taking turns running to the house to retrieve new pieces of ice to replace those melted by pussy and hot water. The girls took turns fucking themselves, then each other, then passing the ice to us to fuck them both. After the ninth or tenth icicle had melted, the girls were ready for something warm inside them and invited us to take turns with fingers, tongues and more. It didn't take long until we were all ready to move the party inside, so we grabbed towels and sprinted through the snow, giggling and laughing the whole way.

Inside, it didn't take long until we were back to taking turns, a mess of naked drunk bodies. After we had exhausted ourselves, Busty realized how late it was (or early?) and dressed, said her goodbyes and left.
Richie gave us a quick tour of the house where we discovered the Shy Guy sobering up in the "den"; A large, yet intimate room with a couple leather couches, a pool table, an enormous micro-suede luv sack (which Shy Guy was sleeping in) a stone fireplace with a glowing fire, and the pièce de résistance, a fucking bear skin rug, complete with growling grizzly bear head. Dirty and I were introduced and Shy became a welcoming host, turning on music, stoking the fire, and pouring tequila shots. We lounged by the fire, drinking and chatting for an hour until Richie decided he needed to call it a night. I was exhausted as well, and after bidding Richie a good night, found a bed and collapsed, leaving Dirty in the company of ShyGuy and a bottle of tequila.

After a couple hours of drunken, restless attempting to sleep, I decided to check on Dirty.
As I entered the den, I was met with a scene straight from a movie. Amos Lee swooning in the background, room lit only by the dying fire, Dirty and Shy Guy...naked in the middle of the bear skin rug... be continued

Monday, May 23, 2011

An Award?

I'm now going to become a stat-whoreing asshole, just a warning.

Another sex/dating blogger gave me an award. 
I don't know what it means or what i'm supposed to do with it, but now i'm feeling very self-conscious about the shit I put up here. 
Someone puts a foil star sticker on my forehead and now I have to maintain some sort of standard to prove I deserve the fucking foil star?! The real problem with this bullshit is it totally made my day, so i'll play along.

Elle is a sexual predator across the pond who has been posting fantastic stories of her conquests and adventures. (and got me hooked on twitter - she's @ldn_citygirl)
She totally deserves this, whatever it is.

May this mess with her as much as it did with me!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Unrequested, yet somehow necessary sex advice...part 1

I was conversing with a buddy of mine about our sex lives, as we are wont to do, and he told me about a woman he had been having relations with. This woman had been in a 4 year relationship and had NEVER had an orgasm during sex with her guy.

I was floored. First, what kind of guy doesn't do whatever it takes to get his girl off? Second, what kind of girl is content to fuck a guy for 4 years and never come?
If this was the first time I had heard something like this, I could just write it off. But in the past couple years, I have heard similar stories over and over from women.

Now, I didn't start this blog to be an advice column, mostly because I don't expect anyone to actually read this garbage. Also, no one should take advice from me. However, this is my blog, so you cyber-stalkers are gonna get it.

Rule 1)
Men, making sure your woman really enjoys fucking you is in your best interest.

Except in rare circumstances, every woman can enjoy sex and can achieve orgasm. If your woman is not having a toe-curler on a regular basis, you need to work with her and figure that shit out.
To state the obvious: The more your girl enjoys the sexy time with you, the more she will want to put out.
You may think you are content with a three minute grunt-fest once a week, but wouldn't you rather have your girl asking you for it? If she is showing you her O face every time you hook up, she'll be in the mood all the time.

If your girl can't answer "Very Satisfied" to the question "How much to you enjoy sex with your guy?", there are two places I suggest you put your focus:

First, Learn to love that cunnilingus.
I hear over and over from women how most men either don't go down or they suck at it. Believe me, giving good head is gonna get you more sex than any other bedroom skill.
You can suck at just about everything else, but if you can eat good pussy, that's what she'll be telling her girlfriends about the next day.

The corollary to going down is learning how to fuck your girl the way she likes to be fucked.
I'm sure there are a few Don Giovannis out there who were born with natural talent, but most of us have to learn the hard way. The easiest way to do this is to ask her. This may be obvious, but apparently plenty of you guys are stupid. Just fucking ASK HER! Believe me, she knows much better than you do what works for her and what doesn't.

Before you get busy, maybe while you are talking about sex or sexting or something like that, just tell her, "you know, babe, I'd love it if you gave me tips when we are having sex. I love getting you off".
She'll think it's sexy or sweet or whatever and you'll get points for just saying it.  But then, next time you have your head between her thighs, ask her if she likes what you are doing. She'll know you really meant it and hopefully she'll be comfortable enough to give you an honest answer, even if it's "I liked what you were doing before better". Tuck that tidbit away and get back in there.

Another trick that has worked for me is giving your girl signals she can use in the heat of passion.
For example: have her tug on your ear a little bit when she wants you to change things up, then play with your hair when she wants you to keep doing whatever you are doing. These non-verbal cues work great because you don't have to interrupt the action.

If you and your girl are really serious about improving your sex, you should suggest "sex practice".  I've used this particular tactic several times to great success.
"Sex Practice" is really just sex (don't tell her), except labelling it "practice" gives you both license to talk about what you are doing, make suggestions, try new things, even make mistakes. You can't do anything wrong because it's just "practice"!
Try texting your girl that you are coming home at lunch for some "sex practice" and note her response. She will be waiting with bells on.

If I was a real blogger, I could devote a whole entry to "sex practice". Since i'm not, I probably won't, but you get the idea.

In short, whatever you do to improve your woman's pleasure is worth the effort.

Rule 2 is for the be continued.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Vodka, Peach Schnapps, OJ, Cranberry

During our Monday “weekend recap” lunch conversation today, my sole male confidant said “you know, most men would never believe, let alone experience, most of the awesome shit we get into with the ladies.”  All I could say was “Cheers to that” and laugh, because he’s absolutely right.  The truth is, neither of us go out looking for the awesome shit to happen, we just go out and the awesome shit finds us.

For example, let me continue the story from the last post. Dirty Girl (who sorta just fell into my lap in the first place) arrived on the scene just in time for my party (which I didn’t have a date for). This was an incredibly lucky break on my part, but it gets better. A few days before the party, I learned that I would be travelling alone on a vacation to a small mexican beach town; a trip that had been planned for months and was virtually all paid for. Instead of cancelling, I posted on Facebook that I was “looking for a travel buddy with a passport. Special consideration given if you look good in a bikini.” Apart from a buddy offering to send his bikini portfolio, it looked like I was going solo. So, after having a crazy time with Dirty at my party, I popped the question.  “Do you happen to have a passport?”

It turned out she did indeed have a passport, was in between jobs, and would love to spend a week on the beach with me. Do I have incredible luck and timing, or what?!

A week later we were on a flight to Puerto Vallarta for five days of sun, sitting on the beach, and drinking beer like it was a Corona commercial. Dirty tried to convince me to meet her in the bathroom to join the mile-high club, but I convinced her that the full cabin, small bathroom, and my 6 foot 4 stature would make it completely impractical. She decided a hand-job under a blanket would suffice, and I didn’t argue.

Our hotel was an hour away from the airport (and american tourists) in a tiny mexican beach town: ten rooms opening up onto a plant-filled courtyard, fifty feet from the ocean. As the local mexican tourist season hadn’t started, we were the only residents besides Ray, the owner. I had been to Ray’s bungalos several times and we had become good friends, partly because we are close in age but mostly because i’m the only american to stay with him regularly. After settling in and catching up with Ray, we finished the evening with a walk down the beach and a quiet dinner before returning to the hotel for some sex and sleep.

Ray may have regretted putting us in the room right below his as he surely heard Dirty’s screams of passion, but he didn’t say anything the next morning when we talked about our plans for the week. I already had a couple day trips in mind and he suggested a few more, including snorkeling on a remote beach and a hike into the jungle to see some ancient carvings. Dirty was a gracious guest and told me as long as there was a beach and sun, she was happy to follow me anywhere. I was happy to oblige.

Our first day was spent on a beautiful and nearly empty beach in front of a palapa roofed open-air restaurant where we drank margaritas and pacifico beers while we tanned on lounge chairs and talked until the sun set over the water. After returning to the hotel, I talked to Ray about acquiring some drugas. 100 pesos ($8) and 15 mins later, I was holding nearly an ounce of stinky weed wrapped in a ball of tin foil the size of a grapefruit. It turned out Dirty was a pro at rolling joints so she quickly rolled us a couple and we sat on the roof watching the stars and getting baked. It was pretty much a perfect day.

The next morning after a breakfast of fruit, tortillas and cheese, we decided to take Ray up on his offer to take us snorkeling on a beach only accessible by boat.  We loaded up on gear, food, and booze and headed out on a fishing boat piloted by a buddy of Rays. Half an hour later we were dropped off on an empty beach, surrounded by jungle and cliffs. Dirty spent the day tanning and drinking beers while Ray and I chased fish with spear guns between coming up for beer and some sun. It was almost a shame Ray had come with us, because the more Dirty had to drink, the more she tried to talk me into sneaking into the jungle for a quickie, or just getting naked and going at it right there. However, it’s one thing to make Ray listen to us fucking, it’s another thing to make him watch. We definitely weren’t close enough friends for that.

Day three was spent in Puerta Vallarta walking the Malecon, shopping for trinkets and chuckling to ourselves about how much better our vacation was away from the tourists. The highlight of the excursion, however, was the blowjob Dirty insisted on giving me while we drove through the winding jungle pass in the dark. Somehow I kept the car on the road despite the distraction until Dirty demanded I pull over so she could have her way with me properly. I’m certain more than one truck driver got quite an eye full as their headlights passed our tiny car spotlighting her bouncing boobs.

Day four we decided to hike to a secluded beach not far from our hotel. We packed our beach gear, several joints and some pills we snuck through customs. Neither of us had rolled during the day, but we figured a private beach was just the place for it. Oh were we right! We had the tiny beach all to ourselves the whole day. Warm sun, splashing in the water, running around naked, fucking on the beach, in the water, against the cliff, what a day! I certainly hadn’t had a day like it before, and after returning to the hotel to get drunk before heading out for dinner, we decided we had to do it again.

We awoke the next morning in surprisingly good spirits, considering the previous day’s excesses, and excited to return to our private beach for another day of fun. Dirty rolled some more joints, I packed for the day, and we were off. Besides the swarm of jellyfish floating in the swells which made getting in the water an adventure, day two was every bit as good as before. By the time the sun was setting, we were exhausted and headed home for a nap before heading out for our final evening. We had a dazed but romantic dinner at a beach-side restaurant, walked the beach one last time then headed home to crash.

Ray joined us for breakfast the next morning and told him about our private beach adventures, though we did leave out some details. After packing, we said our farewells and headed out for the airport. As we lifted off, Dirty spotted our tiny private beach and we waved it goodbye. Thanks beach, for everything.

Friday, March 11, 2011

First Date

“So, have you ever been to a roll party?” I asked Dirty Girl, with a twinkle and a grin.

My place inadvertently became a party house several months back. I apparently drunkenly agreed to host a party at my house and forgot all about it. Two months later, and out of the blue, I was informed that the party was on for the weekend after next, and can she come over with the girls planning the party to scope the venue. “Oh, you were serious?” was my reply. I guess I was having a party.
And what a party it was: a dozen rolling raver kids, scandalous yet furry costumes, bumping house techno and light shows. These kids knew how to throw a party!

A couple months later, the raver kids wanted to party again, and I was happy to oblige. Conveniently enough, Dirty Girl and I had our post-birthday connection days before the roll party.. I had about given up on finding a roll buddy, which was honestly a real disappointment. E makes me want to touch, kiss and fuck everyone, and not having a designated target of affection could get me into some trouble.  I was very hesitant to invite Dirty at all. It’s a gamble just telling a girl you enjoy illicit pharma, let alone ask her to participate. Add in the unspoken assumption that a significant amount of sex will be involved and it becomes a real make-or-break proposition. I was really into this girl and didn’t want to blow my opportunity at getting her naked. However, I had a hunch that she would, and a chance of a night of high debauchery with her made it a good bet.
On top of that, Dirty was hot. Not cute, or kinda hot, fantastically fucking hot: Almost as tall as me wearing heels (which she always does), long tanned legs she loves to show off,  an ass you have to watch when she walks, full breasts that come out of her shirt like she’s wearing a Victoria’s Secret Wonder Bra even when she’s bra-less, shoulder-length brunette hair, perpetual bedroom eyes, and lips that say “I will fuck your brains out” no matter what sounds escape them.
Yeah, that kind of hot.

So when I say I was excited when she replied “oooh, I haven’t been to one of those in a long time! I’d love to!”, I mean that shivers ran down my back and I got a bit light-headed excited. I did my best to play it cool and said something along the lines of, “really? nice. I’m sure we’ll have fun”, although I was doing ace ventura hip thrusts in my head. I gave her the details, it was a masquerade theme, we chatted a bit about who was coming, and what naughtiness might happen. I then said goodnight, told her I was looking forward to see her, though not with as much enthusiasm as I really felt, and hung up the phone.

Keeping busy, a fair share of masturbation, and a little mj kept me level-headed until the night of the party. She arrived late but was looking fabulous as she gave me a kiss and a squeeze. Now, I don’t intend to give a full recounting of the evening’s intimate events, but I will say we both had a fantastic time, there was plenty of sex, and Dirty had at least dozen orgasms.

The next morning we were sitting on the couch after the last of the raver kids left, still marinating in the last of the drug and sex induced euphoria. I leaned in close and asked, “Do you happen to have a passport?”...

Monday, March 7, 2011

Cast of Characters: The Suit

It must be the nature of meeting a woman’s profile before meeting her in person that leads to so many failed encounters in online dating. I can count on one hand the number of women I met online who I had a genuinely good time with in person. The Suit is one of those women.

Our first date was a couple hours of engaging conversation over a drinks. Our second was a long dinner and a quick kiss goodnight. The third night, however, she had me over for her version of sushi night, where she made me dinner and several gin and tonics before having her way with me on the couch and then the bed.

It was great fun, I must admit. I had never been with a woman who was such like a man when it came to dating and sex. She let me know when she was horny and wanted a romp, told me how she liked to be pleasured, and left me alone otherwise. No complications or fuss. Just good company and great sex...and it didn't hurt that she had the best natural D-cup breasts I've toyed with in a long time. We continued a routine of weekly dinners and fucking until she became too busy at work, and we just left it at that.

Late one night last month during a two week dry spell, I was digging through my black book and sent her a text, reminiscing about the good times we had had. She soon responded that she had been thinking about them as well and would love to do it again, and soon. Reminiscing quickly shifted to dirty texting. An hour later I was in her bed and she was waking the neighbors.

The next day, she left town on business and we texted back and forth, catching up on the past months. I learned that she was in the middle of a string of lesbian relationships, the most recent with a brazillian soccer player who had a great ass and really knew her way around a vagina, but was sensitive, needy and kept mewing about commitment. We both had a great laugh at that: her chagrin at learning what trouble men go through to keep a woman happy. 

To my pleasure and amusement, she admitted that barely a day before my recent contact, she had been conversing about the pleasures of cock with her girl, and mine had been discussed as a prime example! The brazillian hadn’t been with a man since puberty and never one with any skill, apparently, because she could not be convinced that she was missing out, only fucking women. The Suit then revealed they had even fantasized together about having a threesome, if they could only find the right guy...

Do I have good timing or what?!

This may come as a surprise, but I have never had a threesome with two women. I’ve had twosomes, threesomes with a couple, foursomes, and even six at a time, but somehow never managed to find myself alone with two females. To say I am looking forward to it is a gross understatement, especially given the opportunity to show a lesbian what she’s been missing!

So far, I've been totally slow-playing the situation...letting her bring up the topic, sending a few dirty texts here and there to get her hot. Though I'm pretty confident it will work out just fine, it’s better to let her do the pursuing. When it finally happens, I want her to be dying for it.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Sushi Night

The best christmas present I received in recent memory was the bamboo sushi serving board my little sister gave me 2 christmases ago. Initially, I thought “what am I going to do with this!?”, and though obvious answer is “serve sushi, dummy”, it would, of course, require making the sushi to serve. Never one to shy from trying something new, I dove in. With the help of the interwebs, williams-sonoma, and a local japanese market, I had all I needed to make my first rolls. It took a bit of practice to get the rolls tight and uniform, but once that was accomplished, the rest turned out spectacularly well, especially considering the small amount of effort involved.

I didn’t start out with the plan to use sushi as a tool of seduction. I pretty much fell into it. My first sushi night was with a new girl I had met once for drinks and once for dinner. She was attractive and funny; I was smitten. “We will MAKE the sushi? Wow, I’m impressed!” was my first hint that this would end well. A tuna steak, some veg and a nice bottle of sake were procured, the kitchen cleaned and the rest of the house prepped.

She was quite adorable, attempting her first roll. I had plenty of opportunity to cozy up and “help” with tips and an extra hand here and there. After 30 mins, we had finished filling the serving board (and downed several shots of sake) and it was an impressive sight. So impressive, in fact, she took a picture and immediately posted in on facebook to brag to her friends. The sushi was delicious, as was the conversation, and soon we were furiously making out on the couch before taking things to the bedroom.

Things didn’t last with that particular girl, but sushi night was here to stay. In the months since, I have repeated it with much success. In fact, Sushi Night has never failed to end with the bedding of a new lovely lady. Now I know what i’ll be giving all my single mates for christmas next year!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Not everything is better in HD

A few days ago, I traded a couple weeks' salary for a rather large yet thin television. As luck would have it, I also discovered an ancient porn dvd at Dirty's house and swiped with the intent of trying it out on my pretty, pretty TV. I think I can say with confidence, it will be my last HD porno.

The “film” was made in the early 90s and the star hilariously sported a huge perm and teased bangs, while her co-star (the sausage) wore a ponytail and carried a brick cell phone. While Dirty and I found this quite hilarious, we weren’t watching the movie for the acting. Luckily, the actors got down to business before the starting credits, and what a show it was.

The thing I noticed, watching the first dvd (RED) after setting up the tv, was the sharpness of the picture. It was amazingly sharp. Tiny details I would not have otherwise noticed were jumping out, shouting “notice me”. Gone was the soft halo around actors making them somehow bigger and better than life. Bruce Willis was just bruce, an old guy with some wrinkles and greying hair. It was a bit disappointing.

As you can imagine, this effect was multiplied watching a close-up vagina...all 55 inches of it. I’m no stranger to the vagine, and have had plenty of real-life close ups. However, those were generally in romantically lit situations with my eyes closed a lot, and oh yeah, the vaginae were at most 3 inches long. When viewing one at twenty times larger than life, in bright, unflattering light, the usually unnoticeable blemishes become moldy mandarin oranges and stray hairs are large blades of grass. Not terribly sexy, to say the least.

Give me back my internet porn, where the girls have perfect skin and tiny vaginas.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Cast of Characters: Dirty Girl

You may remember “My Brother the Man-Whore”.  As it turns out, there is more to that story.  The brief recap is that my brother picked up some girls at a club and got them back to my house, where one of the girls gave him a strip tease.  They left with our phone numbers, but neither of us heard anything and more and we figured that we’d never hear from them again.  A couple weeks later, my brother was back in town and he amazingly set us up to meet the girls again at a piano bar downtown.  We met them and a couple other friends and had a good time.  Later we all went back to one of the friends’ apartments, while my brother and strip-tease snuck out for some sexual relations.

The next day, I was surprised find a friend invite from strip-tease on facebook!  We emailed a bit and decided to wingman each other next time we go out.  I was actually excited about this prospect because honestly, my brother is a shitty wingman.  He has great game, but he always monopolizes the hotter girl and bails on me.  Plus, having a hot girl wingman has got to give you points with other hot girls, right?

Before we got a chance to go out, she invited me to her birthday party, convincing me by claiming there were gonna be hot girls and a lot of booze.  Of course I went.  There were indeed hot girls and lots of booze, but strip-tease started flirting with me the moment I walked in!  One never to reject a hot flirt, I joined in and before the end of the night, we end up kissing on the porch...

Not being a complete whore, I called a time-out to ask her what was going on, both with me and my brother.  After she explained that there wasn’t really anything going on between them, and she really wanted to date me, we both agreed to talk to my brother, her to end things, and me to make sure he was cool with this change of events.

His reaction was an incredulous, “she really said that?!”, when I told him strip-tease wanted to date me.  Regardless he was cool with it, acknowledging that there wasn’t anything going on between them, and with that, strip-tease became known as Dirty Girl.

I should take a paragraph here to describe Dirty Girl for you.  First, I should say she is definitely the hottest girl I have ever a long shot.  She’s the kind of girl that every guy stares at when she walks past.  Tall, yet always wearing heels to show off her legs and ass.  Fantastic boobs, (which are fake, but done so well you can’t tell till you feel them).  and a face to match her body...she just oozes sexuality.

I invited Dirty Girl to come to a house party I was throwing, our ‘first date’, which was, incidentally, going to be a roll party.  Whatever misgivings I had about dating Dirty right after my brother vanished when she responded to the invite with real enthusiasm about starting things off by taking ecstasy and getting crazy with me in a house full of strangers....I’m already infatuated!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Love Drug

Out of all the women that have passed through my life, I have only loved two.  For better or worse, I married them both.  Though I may at times regret the marriages, I'll never regret falling in love.  Both women were beautiful, caring, amazing women who loved me unconditionally and I will always be grateful for the lives we shared together and ways they made me who I am.  

One thing I do regret is that I was never able to truly open my heart to either of them.

I was a sensitive kid growing up and would burst into tears at the slightest emotional provocation.  The combination of parents who rarely showed emotion and never accepted tears as healthy expression, and the painful teasing and torment inflicted by my peers taught me to protect myself from an early age.  By high school I was impervious.  I had carefully constructed a wall around my inner emotions and insecurities and had utter control of my emotional expression, and it worked well.  I was smart, well liked, had plenty of friends, was even popular enough for student body office, along with being the best male theatre actor in the school.

Though these protections were well suited for surviving bullies and adolescence, they were terrible for relationships.  #1 spent our entire marriage trying to crack me open.  I did my best as well, but it was a slow and difficult process.  #1 finally gave up after 6 years and included it in her list of the reason we divorced.

#2 didn’t fare any better, although she did benefit from the work #1 accomplished.  The major difference between the two was that #2 depended on me for her self-confidence and self-worth, so the lack of a deep emotional connection between us left her unsure of herself and unsure of my love for her.  My burden of not being able to give what she needed, and her burden of not getting it ended up being too much for us.

After #2 was gone and I was rebounding with The Rebound, I was introduced to MethyleneDioxyMethAmphetamine.  Being raised in a strong christian community during the era of Just Say No, I had never even been offered this illicit pharma, let alone partaken.  After performing due diligence by researching said substance and determining that the US government was once again full of shit, I gave it a shot.  (I’m nothing if not a responsible illegal drug abuser)

The first two trials were relatively low doses, dipping a toe in the pool.  The next two were full strength, yet both environments were less than ideal.  It was roll number five that blew me up.  The emotional walls I had so laboriously constructed vanished like smoke.  I spent the evening with a woman I barely knew, but to whom I opened myself completely.  It was bare emotion and sexuality...and it was unbelievable.

I finally understood what #2 had been trying fruitlessly to teach me.  I felt the pleasure born of connecting so intimately with another person, something I had never experienced before.
Even days later, I still had this craving to share myself with someone; revealing my soul the way a flasher reveals his nakedness.  It didn’t matter as much who saw, as long as it was seen.

I became a new and healthier person practically over night, and because of an illegal drug.  How weird is that!?