Now this is a holiday I can get behind

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First Date

“So, have you ever been to a roll party?” I asked Dirty Girl, with a twinkle and a grin.

My place inadvertently became a party house several months back. I apparently drunkenly agreed to host a party at my house and forgot all about it. Two months later, and out of the blue, I was informed that the party was on for the weekend after next, and can she come over with the girls planning the party to scope the venue. “Oh, you were serious?” was my reply. I guess I was having a party.
And what a party it was: a dozen rolling raver kids, scandalous yet furry costumes, bumping house techno and light shows. These kids knew how to throw a party!

A couple months later, the raver kids wanted to party again, and I was happy to oblige. Conveniently enough, Dirty Girl and I had our post-birthday connection days before the roll party.. I had about given up on finding a roll buddy, which was honestly a real disappointment. E makes me want to touch, kiss and fuck everyone, and not having a designated target of affection could get me into some trouble.  I was very hesitant to invite Dirty at all. It’s a gamble just telling a girl you enjoy illicit pharma, let alone ask her to participate. Add in the unspoken assumption that a significant amount of sex will be involved and it becomes a real make-or-break proposition. I was really into this girl and didn’t want to blow my opportunity at getting her naked. However, I had a hunch that she would, and a chance of a night of high debauchery with her made it a good bet.
On top of that, Dirty was hot. Not cute, or kinda hot, fantastically fucking hot: Almost as tall as me wearing heels (which she always does), long tanned legs she loves to show off,  an ass you have to watch when she walks, full breasts that come out of her shirt like she’s wearing a Victoria’s Secret Wonder Bra even when she’s bra-less, shoulder-length brunette hair, perpetual bedroom eyes, and lips that say “I will fuck your brains out” no matter what sounds escape them.
Yeah, that kind of hot.

So when I say I was excited when she replied “oooh, I haven’t been to one of those in a long time! I’d love to!”, I mean that shivers ran down my back and I got a bit light-headed excited. I did my best to play it cool and said something along the lines of, “really? nice. I’m sure we’ll have fun”, although I was doing ace ventura hip thrusts in my head. I gave her the details, it was a masquerade theme, we chatted a bit about who was coming, and what naughtiness might happen. I then said goodnight, told her I was looking forward to see her, though not with as much enthusiasm as I really felt, and hung up the phone.

Keeping busy, a fair share of masturbation, and a little mj kept me level-headed until the night of the party. She arrived late but was looking fabulous as she gave me a kiss and a squeeze. Now, I don’t intend to give a full recounting of the evening’s intimate events, but I will say we both had a fantastic time, there was plenty of sex, and Dirty had at least dozen orgasms.

The next morning we were sitting on the couch after the last of the raver kids left, still marinating in the last of the drug and sex induced euphoria. I leaned in close and asked, “Do you happen to have a passport?”...

Cast of Characters: The Suit

It must be the nature of meeting a woman’s profile before meeting her in person that leads to so many failed encounters in online dating. I can count on one hand the number of women I met online who I had a genuinely good time with in person. The Suit is one of those women.

Our first date was a couple hours of engaging conversation over a drinks. Our second was a long dinner and a quick kiss goodnight. The third night, however, she had me over for her version of sushi night, where she made me dinner and several gin and tonics before having her way with me on the couch and then the bed.

It was great fun, I must admit. I had never been with a woman who was such like a man when it came to dating and sex. She let me know when she was horny and wanted a romp, told me how she liked to be pleasured, and left me alone otherwise. No complications or fuss. Just good company and great sex...and it didn't hurt that she had the best natural D-cup breasts I've toyed with in a long time. We continued a routine of weekly dinners and fucking until she became too busy at work, and we just left it at that.

Late one night last month during a two week dry spell, I was digging through my black book and sent her a text, reminiscing about the good times we had had. She soon responded that she had been thinking about them as well and would love to do it again, and soon. Reminiscing quickly shifted to dirty texting. An hour later I was in her bed and she was waking the neighbors.

The next day, she left town on business and we texted back and forth, catching up on the past months. I learned that she was in the middle of a string of lesbian relationships, the most recent with a brazillian soccer player who had a great ass and really knew her way around a vagina, but was sensitive, needy and kept mewing about commitment. We both had a great laugh at that: her chagrin at learning what trouble men go through to keep a woman happy. 

To my pleasure and amusement, she admitted that barely a day before my recent contact, she had been conversing about the pleasures of cock with her girl, and mine had been discussed as a prime example! The brazillian hadn’t been with a man since puberty and never one with any skill, apparently, because she could not be convinced that she was missing out, only fucking women. The Suit then revealed they had even fantasized together about having a threesome, if they could only find the right guy...

Do I have good timing or what?!

This may come as a surprise, but I have never had a threesome with two women. I’ve had twosomes, threesomes with a couple, foursomes, and even six at a time, but somehow never managed to find myself alone with two females. To say I am looking forward to it is a gross understatement, especially given the opportunity to show a lesbian what she’s been missing!

So far, I've been totally slow-playing the situation...letting her bring up the topic, sending a few dirty texts here and there to get her hot. Though I'm pretty confident it will work out just fine, it’s better to let her do the pursuing. When it finally happens, I want her to be dying for it.

Sushi Night

The best christmas present I received in recent memory was the bamboo sushi serving board my little sister gave me 2 christmases ago. Initially, I thought “what am I going to do with this!?”, and though obvious answer is “serve sushi, dummy”, it would, of course, require making the sushi to serve. Never one to shy from trying something new, I dove in. With the help of the interwebs, williams-sonoma, and a local japanese market, I had all I needed to make my first rolls. It took a bit of practice to get the rolls tight and uniform, but once that was accomplished, the rest turned out spectacularly well, especially considering the small amount of effort involved.

I didn’t start out with the plan to use sushi as a tool of seduction. I pretty much fell into it. My first sushi night was with a new girl I had met once for drinks and once for dinner. She was attractive and funny; I was smitten. “We will MAKE the sushi? Wow, I’m impressed!” was my first hint that this would end well. A tuna steak, some veg and a nice bottle of sake were procured, the kitchen cleaned and the rest of the house prepped.

She was quite adorable, attempting her first roll. I had plenty of opportunity to cozy up and “help” with tips and an extra hand here and there. After 30 mins, we had finished filling the serving board (and downed several shots of sake) and it was an impressive sight. So impressive, in fact, she took a picture and immediately posted in on facebook to brag to her friends. The sushi was delicious, as was the conversation, and soon we were furiously making out on the couch before taking things to the bedroom.

Things didn’t last with that particular girl, but sushi night was here to stay. In the months since, I have repeated it with much success. In fact, Sushi Night has never failed to end with the bedding of a new lovely lady. Now I know what i’ll be giving all my single mates for christmas next year!

Not everything is better in HD

A few days ago, I traded a couple weeks' salary for a rather large yet thin television. As luck would have it, I also discovered an ancient porn dvd at Dirty's house and swiped with the intent of trying it out on my pretty, pretty TV. I think I can say with confidence, it will be my last HD porno.

The “film” was made in the early 90s and the star hilariously sported a huge perm and teased bangs, while her co-star (the sausage) wore a ponytail and carried a brick cell phone. While Dirty and I found this quite hilarious, we weren’t watching the movie for the acting. Luckily, the actors got down to business before the starting credits, and what a show it was.

The thing I noticed, watching the first dvd (RED) after setting up the tv, was the sharpness of the picture. It was amazingly sharp. Tiny details I would not have otherwise noticed were jumping out, shouting “notice me”. Gone was the soft halo around actors making them somehow bigger and better than life. Bruce Willis was just bruce, an old guy with some wrinkles and greying hair. It was a bit disappointing.

As you can imagine, this effect was multiplied watching a close-up vagina...all 55 inches of it. I’m no stranger to the vagine, and have had plenty of real-life close ups. However, those were generally in romantically lit situations with my eyes closed a lot, and oh yeah, the vaginae were at most 3 inches long. When viewing one at twenty times larger than life, in bright, unflattering light, the usually unnoticeable blemishes become moldy mandarin oranges and stray hairs are large blades of grass. Not terribly sexy, to say the least.

Give me back my internet porn, where the girls have perfect skin and tiny vaginas.

Cast of Characters: Dirty Girl

You may remember “My Brother the Man-Whore”.  As it turns out, there is more to that story.  The brief recap is that my brother picked up some girls at a club and got them back to my house, where one of the girls gave him a strip tease.  They left with our phone numbers, but neither of us heard anything and more and we figured that we’d never hear from them again.  A couple weeks later, my brother was back in town and he amazingly set us up to meet the girls again at a piano bar downtown.  We met them and a couple other friends and had a good time.  Later we all went back to one of the friends’ apartments, while my brother and strip-tease snuck out for some sexual relations.

The next day, I was surprised find a friend invite from strip-tease on facebook!  We emailed a bit and decided to wingman each other next time we go out.  I was actually excited about this prospect because honestly, my brother is a shitty wingman.  He has great game, but he always monopolizes the hotter girl and bails on me.  Plus, having a hot girl wingman has got to give you points with other hot girls, right?

Before we got a chance to go out, she invited me to her birthday party, convincing me by claiming there were gonna be hot girls and a lot of booze.  Of course I went.  There were indeed hot girls and lots of booze, but strip-tease started flirting with me the moment I walked in!  One never to reject a hot flirt, I joined in and before the end of the night, we end up kissing on the porch...

Not being a complete whore, I called a time-out to ask her what was going on, both with me and my brother.  After she explained that there wasn’t really anything going on between them, and she really wanted to date me, we both agreed to talk to my brother, her to end things, and me to make sure he was cool with this change of events.

His reaction was an incredulous, “she really said that?!”, when I told him strip-tease wanted to date me.  Regardless he was cool with it, acknowledging that there wasn’t anything going on between them, and with that, strip-tease became known as Dirty Girl.

I should take a paragraph here to describe Dirty Girl for you.  First, I should say she is definitely the hottest girl I have ever dated...by a long shot.  She’s the kind of girl that every guy stares at when she walks past.  Tall, yet always wearing heels to show off her legs and ass.  Fantastic boobs, (which are fake, but done so well you can’t tell till you feel them).  and a face to match her body...she just oozes sexuality.

I invited Dirty Girl to come to a house party I was throwing, our ‘first date’, which was, incidentally, going to be a roll party.  Whatever misgivings I had about dating Dirty right after my brother vanished when she responded to the invite with real enthusiasm about starting things off by taking ecstasy and getting crazy with me in a house full of strangers....I’m already infatuated!

Love Drug

Out of all the women that have passed through my life, I have only loved two.  For better or worse, I married them both.  Though I may at times regret the marriages, I'll never regret falling in love.  Both women were beautiful, caring, amazing women who loved me unconditionally and I will always be grateful for the lives we shared together and ways they made me who I am.  

One thing I do regret is that I was never able to truly open my heart to either of them.

I was a sensitive kid growing up and would burst into tears at the slightest emotional provocation.  The combination of parents who rarely showed emotion and never accepted tears as healthy expression, and the painful teasing and torment inflicted by my peers taught me to protect myself from an early age.  By high school I was impervious.  I had carefully constructed a wall around my inner emotions and insecurities and had utter control of my emotional expression, and it worked well.  I was smart, well liked, had plenty of friends, was even popular enough for student body office, along with being the best male theatre actor in the school.

Though these protections were well suited for surviving bullies and adolescence, they were terrible for relationships.  #1 spent our entire marriage trying to crack me open.  I did my best as well, but it was a slow and difficult process.  #1 finally gave up after 6 years and included it in her list of the reason we divorced.

#2 didn’t fare any better, although she did benefit from the work #1 accomplished.  The major difference between the two was that #2 depended on me for her self-confidence and self-worth, so the lack of a deep emotional connection between us left her unsure of herself and unsure of my love for her.  My burden of not being able to give what she needed, and her burden of not getting it ended up being too much for us.

After #2 was gone and I was rebounding with The Rebound, I was introduced to MethyleneDioxyMethAmphetamine.  Being raised in a strong christian community during the era of Just Say No, I had never even been offered this illicit pharma, let alone partaken.  After performing due diligence by researching said substance and determining that the US government was once again full of shit, I gave it a shot.  (I’m nothing if not a responsible illegal drug abuser)

The first two trials were relatively low doses, dipping a toe in the pool.  The next two were full strength, yet both environments were less than ideal.  It was roll number five that blew me up.  The emotional walls I had so laboriously constructed vanished like smoke.  I spent the evening with a woman I barely knew, but to whom I opened myself completely.  It was bare emotion and sexuality...and it was unbelievable.

I finally understood what #2 had been trying fruitlessly to teach me.  I felt the pleasure born of connecting so intimately with another person, something I had never experienced before.
Even days later, I still had this craving to share myself with someone; revealing my soul the way a flasher reveals his nakedness.  It didn’t matter as much who saw, as long as it was seen.

I became a new and healthier person practically over night, and because of an illegal drug.  How weird is that!?