Unrequested, yet somehow necessary sex advice...part 2

Women, you need to take responsibility for your orgasms.

For the most part, guys don't really know what the fuck they are doing when it comes to pleasing a woman. You can't really blame them.
Society places higher value in teaching men how to build shitty birdhouses and shoot free-throws than how to make a woman come. To make things worse (at least in the US) there's a taboo about talking about sex in general, forget about talking about the gritty details. Despite this lack of instruction, men are expected to be a proficient lover and become the target of scorn if they aren't. As a result, most men fumble along, learning a trick or two, but mostly only getting good enough that women are willing to open up the gates every now and again.

There isn't much women can do to remedy this situation, at least with the generation of men they are fucking.
I figure you have two options if you want O's on the regular:
A) Teach your guy how to fuck you properly.
B) Take charge during sex and make sure you get yourself off.

Although both of these options seem easy enough to accomplish, you can't forget there is another ego involved here....his. Because of lack of training, societal expectations, or whatever else, most men have a very fragile ego when it comes to sex. See how it goes next time you are in bed with your guy, you blatantly inform him that you want to take charge because he's not doing it right. You'll be able to watch his wood disappear.
Right or wrong, you have to deal with it and take it easy with him.

First, I don't think you should ever bring up this topic *during* sex. Too much pressure and room for misunderstanding. Turn a casual conversation about sex into "what have you always wanted me to do in bed?" You can always propose sex practice, like I suggested to men. What guy is gonna turn down that proposition?
The non-verbal feedback suggestion works as well for women as it does for men. Just keep the conversation framed as "tell me what you like and what turns you on" not "I want better sex". Otherwise, it'll be hard to keep him from thinking "she doesn't think i'm good enough in bed". Do a good job with this conversation and you'll get to 'practice' immediately.

After talking in broad strokes about what you like and what you want him to do, you need to give feedback. Of course, the best time for most feedback is in the moment. Again, using a predetermined non-verbal queue for when you like what he's doing makes this easy. Sometimes, you just need to tell him what to do: "in a bit more, now curl your finger. Feel that, right there? g-spot!" If you keep it positive and complimentary, he'll enjoy the feedback instead of feeling criticized.

Last tip: After sex is done, (minutes or hours later) stroke his ego. As long as it's sincere and not to effusive, it'll work to give him confidence and reassure him that your tips are not a critique.

Ladies, there is no reason why you can't have great sex on the regular, especially if you have a willing guy. Don't be another one of the women I hear about who never has orgasms. Take charge and help yourself out.

Dirty Story #1

DirtyGirl and I ended up at bar one night this winter. It was a bit of a drive from her place but was in a resort and had fantastic character: good crowd, great bar staff, quality drinks, and a patio with a fire.

It was quickly obvious that Dirty was a regular. For the first hour, Dirty introduced me to guy after guy she knew. Each one would give her a gropey hug, kiss her cheek, grab her ass, some all three, while obviously ignoring my presence until Dirty introduced me.  Most were douchey, a couple were gay, but as each one shook my hand I thought "enjoy that ass grab...she'll be fucking me tonight while you are jerking off thinking about it".

Side bar:

Why do girls dig douchebags? No motivation, no money, no fashion sense. All they have are muscles, insecurities, shitty attitudes, and the ability to drink a shit-ton of booze. I don't understand. Maybe one of you girls can explain.

Back to the story:

Post d-bag parade, I bumped into RichieRich, a charming and a bit chubby guy I met with TheRebound.  He was *very* well off, (hence the name) was a big partier, and had an amazingly hot russian fuck buddy (oh my god, her ass...)

I introduced Dirty and Richie gave me a huge smile and a pat on the back "Well done dude, she is smoking hot!" plenty loud enough that Dirty could hear. His game was on!

After explaining how I knew him (Dirty was intrigued), Richie proceeded to re-tell the story of the night we met: swinger website 10pm, drinking 11:30, hotel suite 2am, hot tub 2:30, fucking 3-5am, (oh my god, her ass...)

Richie pulled out a picture of his russian girl...Dirty fucking knew her! They had met at a halloween party a couple months previous. "God, she has the best body!" Dirty practically screamed, "I kept grabbing her ass!" (I told you about the ass...)

Richie ordered drinks and continued to charm Dirty. Before he had ordered the second round, Dirty was hooked, line and sinker. Richie nonchalantly mentioned a hot tub and Dirty's face lit up "Take us, lets go!" A few minutes later we were following Richie's $250k merc into the neighborhood of vacation homes behind the resort.  We got out in front of one of the larger houses and Richie whispered "The hot tub is in the back, but it looks like my buddy is asleep. Try not to wake him up."

Richie opened a side door and let us into a barely lit entryway, the rest of the house completely dark. "Wait a sec, let me go see if my buddy is even here" he whispered and headed down a flight of stairs. Just as Richie disappeared, the sound of a door opening behind us caused Dirty and I both to turn. Walking out of a bedroom down the hall was a short, curvy brunette with absolutely enormous breasts, wearing nothing but a man's dress shirt. Halfway down the hall she noticed us and stopped, surprised "oh! sorry!" she covered a smile with the floppy cuffs of the shirt, "I'm headed to the bathroom!" and darted in another door, closing it behind her.

Not knowing what else to do, Dirty hugged my arm and we quickly headed down the stairs into the dark after Richie, whispering his name as loud as we dared. Richie appeared out of the dark and we explained that we had just been surprised by a half-naked woman in the entry way. "Short with huuuge boobs?" Richie asked, and after our confirmation stated "oh good, i'm glad she's here!" with a big smile, "The hot tub is this way." and led us to the back of the house where he turned on some outdoor lights, illuminating the hot tub.

"You guys get your clothes off," Richie said as he handed us two towels, "I'll go find more of these."

Dirty looked at me with a quizzical smile, shrugged, and started to disrobe. We were naked except for towels when Richie returned (well, I had shoes on still. There was snow on the path to the hot tub!) He was followed by the busty brunette who introduced herself as a friend of Richie's. (The way she said "friend" suggested they were much more) Since she was already practically naked, Busty led Dirty and I out to the hot tub while Richie undressed.

Busty explained that she was here with the guy who watched the house, but he was passed out downstairs. She had been trying all night to get him to fuck her, but he was too shy or nervous and had drunk himself into a stupor before she succeeded...she was horny! "Richie says you guys are swinger friends of his?" Busty asked easily. Dirty laughed and a bit uncomfortably said, pointing at me, "He is...was...whatever..." dropped her towel and hopped into the enormous glowing hot tub.

The girls weren't shy and immediately started talking about the guy passed out in the basement, discussing why he didn't want to fuck Busty, and what she should try next time to seduce him. The discussion quickly turned to Busty and Dirty complimenting each other's bodies, which attributes they wish they had, how much they like each other's boobs, etc. and in a flash they were feeling each other up, grabbing asses and doing dances for each other. Richie and I, of course, were content to listen and watch, passing knowing smiles back and forth. Soon enough, we were invited to feel boobs and asses as well as asked for commentary. Richie just went for it and soon had his mouth roaming between the four nipples, the girls loving it.

After a few minutes, Busty hopped out of the tub and ran to the house to break off one of the enourmous icicles that was hanging off the eaves. She ran back with a squeal and exclaimed "look what I found!" as she splashed back into the tub. "Doesn't this look like a big cock?" Busty said as she broke off the point and rounded the edges in the hot water. "You want to try it first?" Busty asked Dirty, who said nothing but smiled as she accepted the diy dildo. The ice disappeared under the bubbles for a second and then Dirty's expression changed to one of shock mixed with pleasure. "oh my god, this is weird...good but weird. Here, you try!" Dirty passed the melting ice back to Busty. Soon we were taking turns running to the house to retrieve new pieces of ice to replace those melted by pussy and hot water. The girls took turns fucking themselves, then each other, then passing the ice to us to fuck them both. After the ninth or tenth icicle had melted, the girls were ready for something warm inside them and invited us to take turns with fingers, tongues and more. It didn't take long until we were all ready to move the party inside, so we grabbed towels and sprinted through the snow, giggling and laughing the whole way.

Inside, it didn't take long until we were back to taking turns, a mess of naked drunk bodies. After we had exhausted ourselves, Busty realized how late it was (or early?) and dressed, said her goodbyes and left.
Richie gave us a quick tour of the house where we discovered the Shy Guy sobering up in the "den"; A large, yet intimate room with a couple leather couches, a pool table, an enormous micro-suede luv sack (which Shy Guy was sleeping in) a stone fireplace with a glowing fire, and the pièce de résistance, a fucking bear skin rug, complete with growling grizzly bear head. Dirty and I were introduced and Shy became a welcoming host, turning on music, stoking the fire, and pouring tequila shots. We lounged by the fire, drinking and chatting for an hour until Richie decided he needed to call it a night. I was exhausted as well, and after bidding Richie a good night, found a bed and collapsed, leaving Dirty in the company of ShyGuy and a bottle of tequila.

After a couple hours of drunken, restless attempting to sleep, I decided to check on Dirty.
As I entered the den, I was met with a scene straight from a movie. Amos Lee swooning in the background, room lit only by the dying fire, Dirty and Shy Guy...naked in the middle of the bear skin rug...

...to be continued

An Award?

I'm now going to become a stat-whoreing asshole, just a warning.

Another sex/dating blogger http://startpeaking.tumblr.com/ gave me an award. 

I don't know what it means or what i'm supposed to do with it, but now i'm feeling very self-conscious about the shit I put up here. 

Someone puts a foil star sticker on my forehead and now I have to maintain some sort of standard to prove I deserve the fucking foil star?! The real problem with this bullshit is it totally made my day, so i'll play along.

Elle is a sexual predator across the pond who has been posting fantastic stories http://ldncitygirl.blogspot.com/ of her conquests and adventures. (and got me hooked on twitter - she's @ldn_citygirl)

She totally deserves this, whatever it is.

May this mess with her as much as it did with me!

Unrequested, yet somehow necessary sex advice...part 1

I was conversing with a buddy of mine about our sex lives, as we are wont to do, and he told me about a woman he had been having relations with. This woman had been in a 4 year relationship and had NEVER had an orgasm during sex with her guy.

I was floored. First, what kind of guy doesn't do whatever it takes to get his girl off? Second, what kind of girl is content to fuck a guy for 4 years and never come?

If this was the first time I had heard something like this, I could just write it off. But in the past couple years, I have heard similar stories over and over from women.

Now, I didn't start this blog to be an advice column, mostly because I don't expect anyone to actually read this garbage. Also, no one should take advice from me. However, this is my blog, so you cyber-stalkers are gonna get it.

Rule 1)
Men, making sure your woman really enjoys fucking you is in your best interest.

Except in rare circumstances, every woman can enjoy sex and can achieve orgasm. If your woman is not having a toe-curler on a regular basis, you need to work with her and figure that shit out.
To state the obvious: The more your girl enjoys the sexy time with you, the more she will want to put out.
You may think you are content with a three minute grunt-fest once a week, but wouldn't you rather have your girl asking you for it? If she is showing you her O face every time you hook up, she'll be in the mood all the time.

If your girl can't answer "Very Satisfied" to the question "How much to you enjoy sex with your guy?", there are two places I suggest you put your focus:

First, Learn to love that cunnilingus.
I hear over and over from women how most men either don't go down or they suck at it. Believe me, giving good head is gonna get you more sex than any other bedroom skill.
You can suck at just about everything else, but if you can eat good pussy, that's what she'll be telling her girlfriends about the next day.

The corollary to going down is learning how to fuck your girl the way she likes to be fucked.
I'm sure there are a few Don Giovannis out there who were born with natural talent, but most of us have to learn the hard way. The easiest way to do this is to ask her. This may be obvious, but apparently plenty of you guys are stupid. Just fucking ASK HER! Believe me, she knows much better than you do what works for her and what doesn't.

Before you get busy, maybe while you are talking about sex or sexting or something like that, just tell her, "you know, babe, I'd love it if you gave me tips when we are having sex. I love getting you off".
She'll think it's sexy or sweet or whatever and you'll get points for just saying it.  But then, next time you have your head between her thighs, ask her if she likes what you are doing. She'll know you really meant it and hopefully she'll be comfortable enough to give you an honest answer, even if it's "I liked what you were doing before better". Tuck that tidbit away and get back in there.

Another trick that has worked for me is giving your girl signals she can use in the heat of passion.
For example: have her tug on your ear a little bit when she wants you to change things up, then play with your hair when she wants you to keep doing whatever you are doing. These non-verbal cues work great because you don't have to interrupt the action.

If you and your girl are really serious about improving your sex, you should suggest "sex practice".  I've used this particular tactic several times to great success.
"Sex Practice" is really just sex (don't tell her), except labelling it "practice" gives you both license to talk about what you are doing, make suggestions, try new things, even make mistakes. You can't do anything wrong because it's just "practice"!
Try texting your girl that you are coming home at lunch for some "sex practice" and note her response. She will be waiting with bells on.

If I was a real blogger, I could devote a whole entry to "sex practice". Since i'm not, I probably won't, but you get the idea.

In short, whatever you do to improve your woman's pleasure is worth the effort.

Rule 2 is for the ladies...to be continued.

Vodka, Peach Schnapps, OJ, Cranberry

During our Monday “weekend recap” lunch conversation today, my sole male confidant said “you know, most men would never believe, let alone experience, most of the awesome shit we get into with the ladies.”  All I could say was “Cheers to that” and laugh, because he’s absolutely right.  The truth is, neither of us go out looking for the awesome shit to happen, we just go out and the awesome shit finds us.

For example, let me continue the story from the last post. Dirty Girl (who sorta just fell into my lap in the first place) arrived on the scene just in time for my party (which I didn’t have a date for). This was an incredibly lucky break on my part, but it gets better. A few days before the party, I learned that I would be travelling alone on a vacation to a small mexican beach town; a trip that had been planned for months and was virtually all paid for. Instead of cancelling, I posted on Facebook that I was “looking for a travel buddy with a passport. Special consideration given if you look good in a bikini.” Apart from a buddy offering to send his bikini portfolio, it looked like I was going solo. So, after having a crazy time with Dirty at my party, I popped the question.  “Do you happen to have a passport?”

It turned out she did indeed have a passport, was in between jobs, and would love to spend a week on the beach with me. Do I have incredible luck and timing, or what?!

A week later we were on a flight to Puerto Vallarta for five days of sun, sitting on the beach, and drinking beer like it was a Corona commercial. Dirty tried to convince me to meet her in the bathroom to join the mile-high club, but I convinced her that the full cabin, small bathroom, and my 6 foot 4 stature would make it completely impractical. She decided a hand-job under a blanket would suffice, and I didn’t argue.

Our hotel was an hour away from the airport (and american tourists) in a tiny mexican beach town: ten rooms opening up onto a plant-filled courtyard, fifty feet from the ocean. As the local mexican tourist season hadn’t started, we were the only residents besides Ray, the owner. I had been to Ray’s bungalos several times and we had become good friends, partly because we are close in age but mostly because i’m the only american to stay with him regularly. After settling in and catching up with Ray, we finished the evening with a walk down the beach and a quiet dinner before returning to the hotel for some sex and sleep.

Ray may have regretted putting us in the room right below his as he surely heard Dirty’s screams of passion, but he didn’t say anything the next morning when we talked about our plans for the week. I already had a couple day trips in mind and he suggested a few more, including snorkeling on a remote beach and a hike into the jungle to see some ancient carvings. Dirty was a gracious guest and told me as long as there was a beach and sun, she was happy to follow me anywhere. I was happy to oblige.

Our first day was spent on a beautiful and nearly empty beach in front of a palapa roofed open-air restaurant where we drank margaritas and pacifico beers while we tanned on lounge chairs and talked until the sun set over the water. After returning to the hotel, I talked to Ray about acquiring some drugas. 100 pesos ($8) and 15 mins later, I was holding nearly an ounce of stinky weed wrapped in a ball of tin foil the size of a grapefruit. It turned out Dirty was a pro at rolling joints so she quickly rolled us a couple and we sat on the roof watching the stars and getting baked. It was pretty much a perfect day.

The next morning after a breakfast of fruit, tortillas and cheese, we decided to take Ray up on his offer to take us snorkeling on a beach only accessible by boat.  We loaded up on gear, food, and booze and headed out on a fishing boat piloted by a buddy of Rays. Half an hour later we were dropped off on an empty beach, surrounded by jungle and cliffs. Dirty spent the day tanning and drinking beers while Ray and I chased fish with spear guns between coming up for beer and some sun. It was almost a shame Ray had come with us, because the more Dirty had to drink, the more she tried to talk me into sneaking into the jungle for a quickie, or just getting naked and going at it right there. However, it’s one thing to make Ray listen to us fucking, it’s another thing to make him watch. We definitely weren’t close enough friends for that.

Day three was spent in Puerta Vallarta walking the Malecon, shopping for trinkets and chuckling to ourselves about how much better our vacation was away from the tourists. The highlight of the excursion, however, was the blowjob Dirty insisted on giving me while we drove through the winding jungle pass in the dark. Somehow I kept the car on the road despite the distraction until Dirty demanded I pull over so she could have her way with me properly. I’m certain more than one truck driver got quite an eye full as their headlights passed our tiny car spotlighting her bouncing boobs.

Day four we decided to hike to a secluded beach not far from our hotel. We packed our beach gear, several joints and some pills we snuck through customs. Neither of us had rolled during the day, but we figured a private beach was just the place for it. Oh were we right! We had the tiny beach all to ourselves the whole day. Warm sun, splashing in the water, running around naked, fucking on the beach, in the water, against the cliff, what a day! I certainly hadn’t had a day like it before, and after returning to the hotel to get drunk before heading out for dinner, we decided we had to do it again.

We awoke the next morning in surprisingly good spirits, considering the previous day’s excesses, and excited to return to our private beach for another day of fun. Dirty rolled some more joints, I packed for the day, and we were off. Besides the swarm of jellyfish floating in the swells which made getting in the water an adventure, day two was every bit as good as before. By the time the sun was setting, we were exhausted and headed home for a nap before heading out for our final evening. We had a dazed but romantic dinner at a beach-side restaurant, walked the beach one last time then headed home to crash.

Ray joined us for breakfast the next morning and told him about our private beach adventures, though we did leave out some details. After packing, we said our farewells and headed out for the airport. As we lifted off, Dirty spotted our tiny private beach and we waved it goodbye. Thanks beach, for everything.

Now this is a holiday I can get behind

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First Date

“So, have you ever been to a roll party?” I asked Dirty Girl, with a twinkle and a grin.

My place inadvertently became a party house several months back. I apparently drunkenly agreed to host a party at my house and forgot all about it. Two months later, and out of the blue, I was informed that the party was on for the weekend after next, and can she come over with the girls planning the party to scope the venue. “Oh, you were serious?” was my reply. I guess I was having a party.
And what a party it was: a dozen rolling raver kids, scandalous yet furry costumes, bumping house techno and light shows. These kids knew how to throw a party!

A couple months later, the raver kids wanted to party again, and I was happy to oblige. Conveniently enough, Dirty Girl and I had our post-birthday connection days before the roll party.. I had about given up on finding a roll buddy, which was honestly a real disappointment. E makes me want to touch, kiss and fuck everyone, and not having a designated target of affection could get me into some trouble.  I was very hesitant to invite Dirty at all. It’s a gamble just telling a girl you enjoy illicit pharma, let alone ask her to participate. Add in the unspoken assumption that a significant amount of sex will be involved and it becomes a real make-or-break proposition. I was really into this girl and didn’t want to blow my opportunity at getting her naked. However, I had a hunch that she would, and a chance of a night of high debauchery with her made it a good bet.
On top of that, Dirty was hot. Not cute, or kinda hot, fantastically fucking hot: Almost as tall as me wearing heels (which she always does), long tanned legs she loves to show off,  an ass you have to watch when she walks, full breasts that come out of her shirt like she’s wearing a Victoria’s Secret Wonder Bra even when she’s bra-less, shoulder-length brunette hair, perpetual bedroom eyes, and lips that say “I will fuck your brains out” no matter what sounds escape them.
Yeah, that kind of hot.

So when I say I was excited when she replied “oooh, I haven’t been to one of those in a long time! I’d love to!”, I mean that shivers ran down my back and I got a bit light-headed excited. I did my best to play it cool and said something along the lines of, “really? nice. I’m sure we’ll have fun”, although I was doing ace ventura hip thrusts in my head. I gave her the details, it was a masquerade theme, we chatted a bit about who was coming, and what naughtiness might happen. I then said goodnight, told her I was looking forward to see her, though not with as much enthusiasm as I really felt, and hung up the phone.

Keeping busy, a fair share of masturbation, and a little mj kept me level-headed until the night of the party. She arrived late but was looking fabulous as she gave me a kiss and a squeeze. Now, I don’t intend to give a full recounting of the evening’s intimate events, but I will say we both had a fantastic time, there was plenty of sex, and Dirty had at least dozen orgasms.

The next morning we were sitting on the couch after the last of the raver kids left, still marinating in the last of the drug and sex induced euphoria. I leaned in close and asked, “Do you happen to have a passport?”...