Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Not everything is better in HD

A few days ago, I traded a couple weeks' salary for a rather large yet thin television. As luck would have it, I also discovered an ancient porn dvd at Dirty's house and swiped with the intent of trying it out on my pretty, pretty TV. I think I can say with confidence, it will be my last HD porno.

The “film” was made in the early 90s and the star hilariously sported a huge perm and teased bangs, while her co-star (the sausage) wore a ponytail and carried a brick cell phone. While Dirty and I found this quite hilarious, we weren’t watching the movie for the acting. Luckily, the actors got down to business before the starting credits, and what a show it was.

The thing I noticed, watching the first dvd (RED) after setting up the tv, was the sharpness of the picture. It was amazingly sharp. Tiny details I would not have otherwise noticed were jumping out, shouting “notice me”. Gone was the soft halo around actors making them somehow bigger and better than life. Bruce Willis was just bruce, an old guy with some wrinkles and greying hair. It was a bit disappointing.

As you can imagine, this effect was multiplied watching a close-up vagina...all 55 inches of it. I’m no stranger to the vagine, and have had plenty of real-life close ups. However, those were generally in romantically lit situations with my eyes closed a lot, and oh yeah, the vaginae were at most 3 inches long. When viewing one at twenty times larger than life, in bright, unflattering light, the usually unnoticeable blemishes become moldy mandarin oranges and stray hairs are large blades of grass. Not terribly sexy, to say the least.

Give me back my internet porn, where the girls have perfect skin and tiny vaginas.

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