Monday, September 5, 2011

Done with polyamory, until the next time.

It has been a drawn out affair with Butterfly. Beginning with the torrid first dates, then the uncertainty, then the heartbreak. Despite our uncertain future, Butterfly wanted to continue to 'date', so 'date' we did.

We went out for lunches and dinners. We took a salsa dancing class together and later went to a cuban friend's "Salsa and Sangria" party and got drunk. We txt'd and im'd and called. Every hour I spent with Butterfly, the more I liked her, the more time I wanted to spend with her, the more I wanted to have her naked in my bed. It was intoxicating and maddening.

Finally, one night Butterfly invited me to join her and a friend for drinks and live blues at a local bar. Her 'friend' was a girl she had met on okcupid. (on their first date, Butterfly brought her to a party at my house, where they spent two hours fucking in my bed)  Despite the fact that Butterfly was on a date with another girl, yet inviting me to come along, I agreed. By this point, our 'dating' had become mostly platonic: a quick lunch or coffee when she was downtown, going to a party with a group of friends, nothing romantic. I actually preferred being 'just friends' to the romantic limbo we were in previously. Joining Butterfly and her girl for drinks was just to get me out of the house, and I appreciated the invitation.

Butterfly looked fantastic, of course. She loved wearing slinky sundresses, and i'm sure everyone loved her wearing them. Both girls were drinking and flirty. We had a pleasant time chatting and people watching. At one point we were all admiring a beautiful woman wearing a bright red dress with absolutely enormous breasts. Wanting to see how she would respond, I whispered to Butterfly "I'll give you ten bucks if you go pick up on Boobs over there." I should have known better than to give her a challenge, more so to put money on it. She replied "How about if I make out with her? You pick up the tab tonight?" After a quick calculation, I figured the chance to see Butterfly on the prowl was totally worth it. "You are on" I said with a smile and a handshake. Within a minute, Butterfly was with Boobs at the bar, laughing together, touching flirtingly...way too easy for her. After talking for a few minutes, Butterfly returned with a fresh drink. "Thanks for buying our drinks tonight!" she said with a naughty smile and kissed my cheek. "Hold on, there was no kissing" I replied. "Oh honey, just wait..." she giggled.

I don't think Butterfly realized how attractive her confidence and open sexuality were to me. I just sat there with a smile, but there was an ache inside.

Soon, Butterfly and her girl were on the floor dancing together, touching, kissing...unaware, I think, of the show they were putting on. Butterfly noticed me watching and waved at me to join them. Not needing much encouragement, I quickly finished my drink and made my way over. A couple songs later, Butterfly noticed that Boobs had found her way to the dance floor near us and immediately approached. It was a sight to see, her confidence, walking up to an obviously straight woman and without a word starting to dance with her close and sensually. If she had any reservations, Boobs didn't show it as Butterfly pulled her close and kissed her slowly. It wasn't a long kiss, but by the way Boobs raised her hand to Butterfly's cheek, I could tell it was a good one. The song ended and Butterfly left Boobs to walk back to us, obviously very pleased with herself. "I think I need another drink, what can I get you two?" she teased.

The final straw for me, however, was when Butterfly pulled me onto the floor for a slow dance. She held me close, nuzzled my neck, danced like we were lovers. It was just what I wanted. It was too much for me to bear. After the song was done, I lied and said I was tired and needed to leave. Paid our tabs, and left with a quick goodbye.

I just can't do this to myself anymore. At best, all I will end up with is disappointment, the worst, heartbreak. There is really nothing I can do. I don't want to hope that she gets a divorce. Even if she did divorce, I don't want to be a reason. The next day I ended things with Butterfly. She was sweet and understanding, she cried a little. I miss her. C'est la vie, right?


  1. Fucked up heartache is so much more genuine (and interesting) than most of the cookie cutter heartache that's out there.

  2. When most of my relationships are, one way or another, of the "fucked up" variety, the heartbreaks are the too I suppose.

  3. She sounds like wayyy too much heartache and hassle! Plenty more fish and all of that malarky xx