Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Love Drug

Out of all the women that have passed through my life, I have only loved two.  For better or worse, I married them both.  Though I may at times regret the marriages, I'll never regret falling in love.  Both women were beautiful, caring, amazing women who loved me unconditionally and I will always be grateful for the lives we shared together and ways they made me who I am.  

One thing I do regret is that I was never able to truly open my heart to either of them.

I was a sensitive kid growing up and would burst into tears at the slightest emotional provocation.  The combination of parents who rarely showed emotion and never accepted tears as healthy expression, and the painful teasing and torment inflicted by my peers taught me to protect myself from an early age.  By high school I was impervious.  I had carefully constructed a wall around my inner emotions and insecurities and had utter control of my emotional expression, and it worked well.  I was smart, well liked, had plenty of friends, was even popular enough for student body office, along with being the best male theatre actor in the school.

Though these protections were well suited for surviving bullies and adolescence, they were terrible for relationships.  #1 spent our entire marriage trying to crack me open.  I did my best as well, but it was a slow and difficult process.  #1 finally gave up after 6 years and included it in her list of the reason we divorced.

#2 didn’t fare any better, although she did benefit from the work #1 accomplished.  The major difference between the two was that #2 depended on me for her self-confidence and self-worth, so the lack of a deep emotional connection between us left her unsure of herself and unsure of my love for her.  My burden of not being able to give what she needed, and her burden of not getting it ended up being too much for us.

After #2 was gone and I was rebounding with The Rebound, I was introduced to MethyleneDioxyMethAmphetamine.  Being raised in a strong christian community during the era of Just Say No, I had never even been offered this illicit pharma, let alone partaken.  After performing due diligence by researching said substance and determining that the US government was once again full of shit, I gave it a shot.  (I’m nothing if not a responsible illegal drug abuser)

The first two trials were relatively low doses, dipping a toe in the pool.  The next two were full strength, yet both environments were less than ideal.  It was roll number five that blew me up.  The emotional walls I had so laboriously constructed vanished like smoke.  I spent the evening with a woman I barely knew, but to whom I opened myself completely.  It was bare emotion and sexuality...and it was unbelievable.

I finally understood what #2 had been trying fruitlessly to teach me.  I felt the pleasure born of connecting so intimately with another person, something I had never experienced before.
Even days later, I still had this craving to share myself with someone; revealing my soul the way a flasher reveals his nakedness.  It didn’t matter as much who saw, as long as it was seen.

I became a new and healthier person practically over night, and because of an illegal drug.  How weird is that!?

1 comment:

  1. I think it's the "negative" things we do and/or say that have the greatest impact on our lives. It never seems that way at the time.